OK….

I have been very hesitant to talk about my previous “lives” like when I was a teenager.  Some of it was pretty crazy, but cool (borderline criminal?).  My youth was filled with exciting adventures & very interesting people that I only now appreciate.  Part of this was due to my impulsive nature & bad judgement coupled with my looks & various talents or skills.  I wish I could name names but I hold others privacy very sacred.

House Arrest has given me too much time to reflect.  Sometimes it’s a good thing.  We need some alone time, but not placed in forced isolation for crimes we didn’t commit for over 6 months.  How the hell did “15 day to flatten the curve” turn into this politicized shit show?

Normally I can easily distract myself with odds & ends on the internet, talking with strangers & the like but as I would traverse through my dreary day to day, mostly online, something I would read would remind me of some similar experience that had happened to me at one time.  Sometimes it was just a person’s looks, something they did or said that would remind me of someone or something in my past.

Example.  I was watching a program and where an actor looked “familiar” to me even though I had not seen that show before.  I looked to see on IMDb what other works I could have possible seen him in before.  Nothing…but when I saw some other photos of him he was the spitting image of my first love who I hadn’t thought about most of my life for obvious reasons.  He was my first kiss, “my first” & the first man to break my heart at the tender age of 14.  He was 23 at the time.

I didn’t just think about my “seduction,” because that’s what this really was, I thought about how this could have ever happened to me.  I even went so far as to ask my mother why she & my father allowed me to go off with a man of that age at the age of 14.  She told me “I should know better what to do with men by that age.”  I was amazed her lack of parenting skills went this far.  What did they think a 23 year old really wanted from a pouty lipped, shapely little bleached blonde that looked much older than her age & experience?

I was never boy crazy.  I didn’t hate them, I liked them as friends.  I was very sexually “slow” and sort of that way much of my life.  I could really relate to that character “Sheldon Cooper” on The Big Bang Theory.  The man first just acted like my friend, stole a kiss one day then kept upping what he did to me & my body so I didn’t “spook.”  He must have been experienced in seduction.  He was a nice looking “bad boy” who drove a motorcycle & I thought he was so cool.  He wasn’t a bum or someone in a motorcycle gang.  He had a good job as a trained electrician.

I was new to the neighborhood, he spotted me & was asking questions about me.  I was told he was shocked when he found out I was only 14.  “I don’t believe she’s only 14” is what he supposedly said.  I liked his younger cousin who cut his grass & was only 16 years old.  That’s actually how he got me to trust him in the first place.  We were to meet his cousin at his family’s cottage one day & we did.  His cousin met us there & we all swam & had a good time.  He was probably disappointed in my choice of swimsuits that were usually worn by older, heavier women to hide their figure flaws.  I was trying to hide my obvious assets from all my admirers.  Most girls try to entice while I would at times deliberately repel.  It was a two piece with trunks to my waist & a loose blouse top that covered my perfect midriff area with built in bra of course.  It was cute but very modest.

Then one of the times he was “taking me to meet this cousin” who I was never romantic with either, the cousin never showed up.  We still “hung out” & went swimming but I felt a little uneasy.  The funniest thing too, as naive as I was or maybe stupid, I had a strange feeling when I was changing out of my bathing suit back into my clothing this time.  I was actually fearing he might come in on me.  He never acted in a threatening or aggressive manner to frighten me in any way, but I was probably picking up on his unspoken “vibes.”  It’s so strange when you are sexually awake how you might anticipate this feeling with excitement. Not having any inclination towards anything sexual I was a little fearful instead.  He never did but right before we were getting on his motorcycle to go back home he kissed me for the first time full on the lips in a romantic way.  I was shocked beyond belief.

It was my first kiss & electricity did shoot through me at that time but I still didn’t know what I felt.  I almost swooned which is not good if you are about to go flying down a highway on a motorcycle.  He always looked out for my safety when I rode with him.  He had a helmet for me.  I had to wear boots & be completely covered in heavy fabric, either leather or denim.  He was riding with a buddy once & they wiped out in summer clothes on the pavement & his friend was almost skinned alive.

I won’t go into detail but one thing kept leading to another until he did something that he should not have done & I let him.  I realize how good girls can end up getting themselves pregnant all the time.  There is some sick trick that nature plays with us where men are more attracted to those that they should not legally or even logically be attracted to.  This is one of the things I think about.  The perversity that is our reality.  The way we want to do things that are wrong or bad for us & have an aversion to that which is good & healthy.

I also was having a good chuckle when I remembered what I first thought about sex when I found out what it was around the age of 11, which was just a few years before I “did the deed.”  Some friends told me what the word “fuck” meant so I asked my mom if this was true, that people did this & she confirmed it and even told me everyone does it.  I was devastated!  I began to cry & cry & say “NO WAY am I going to do something that sick.”  Just the thought of it disgusted me.  She was laughing her head off & of course it’s very funny to me now but it explains why I obviously had some kind of sexual aversion as a young person.  I remember her saying.  “Wait til you get older, you will change your mind.”  I’m screaming “no I won’t!”

I started thinking of what a hard but very interesting & blessed life I have led.  People throw around the phrase, “been there, done that” but I can say in confidence this is very true in my case as a woman’s take on life only of course.  Even to the extremes of life.

I have blessed & cursed & been blessed & cursed.  I have gained & lost financially as well as personally.  I have seen the best in people and the worst.  I have experienced joy & pleasure as well as the depth of hell a soul can enter and still return to life.  There are many things in my life that I have never shared with anyone except those closest to me that were involved or experienced it with me.  I have never been a “sharer” of my personal feelings or experiences.  I probably think they will be used against me & they actually were by someone I should have been able to trust just a couple of weeks ago.

I see many online who share all kinds of personal details that I would be too ashamed or devastated to relive in detail.  I like to remember the fun & exciting times but the bad memories I have chosen to forget all these years are creeping back into mind because I’m in a more negative mindset than I have been in many years.  I think most of us are because our logic tells us there is more here than meets the eye.  Your inner preservation always warns you when something just doesn’t seem right even with the non-stop media gaslighting blitz of “Alone Together” nonsense.

Through my life I have chosen to remain positive & have faith in God that “it is what it is” His will be done.  I am not a person who believes that if you are really good God will bless you.  I know the opposite is usually true, even though it is written as Jesus stated “With God all things are possible.”  I also know what has happened to the most faithful of servants of God on earth & why we don’t store up our treasures here.  That’s why “Murphy’s Law”, “No Good Deed Goes Unpunished” & “shit happens” are popular sayings.