And Then You Die.
I remember when I first heard this expression and laughed heartily. It was after I had been through many trials in my life. I think I was in my early 30’s at the time.
This is a true saying so stay here as long as you can and try to get as much enjoyment and fulfillment as you can without taking anything away or harming others. That being said, serving others used to bring me much fulfillment until I could see what I was really doing. Mostly “enabling.”
I don’t think it’s a favor to anyone to placate and make their lives easy when your life is so hard. It actually makes no sense at all. How is this coddled person ever supposed to develop character of their own? How are they ever going to be tough enough to live in this cold cruel world when they have others in their life treating them like a new-born baby just so they can feel needed.
Anyone else see the cheery gif on Facebook & Twitter?
Sad that this is where I am at right now and it’s not going to get better. I can’t even pretend but I really don’t want to get into everything right now besides TWO of my brothers are critically ill at this time.
One of my brothers is hanging on after being in a coma for about a month, is able to eat and be transferred to a wheelchair after being completely bed ridden for which I am very grateful but another brother has now taken a turn for the worse with possible cancer and surgery in the next couple days which I am praying about. Sad fact is I can’t snap out of it. I can’t even make myself feel “Christmassy” I should feel super happy and grateful that my brothers are still here, though just hanging on and I’m expecting a miracle for them but I think feeling such horrific stress that comes with a loved one on the brink and not knowing has been just too much for me.
I’ve tried, believe me. Too many treats, trying to make myself feel better. I’m even considering taking up drinking which I hate! Wasn’t keen on this woman’s idea of fun either.
This one, cute, but also a no.
So I know why it’s so hard this time of year. I have posted a few things about my dysfunctional life but not much. I wanted to keep this blog as superficial as possible. I hate being real because real for me is not an option. I LOVE being in a dream world. Not one of drugs or being artificially high but one where I am lost in a good book, maybe an old movie, a painting or some act of creation, when art was my thing. I love being lost in beauty or something interesting. I hate dramas, never liked soap opera’s because I had enough real drama in my own life. I needed peace. Strange that I find solace in social media now because sometimes you get some real weirdos. Most are pretty cool though. I enjoy it.
I was never alone in my life til the last few years. It’s been horrible and great depending. I actually hate being alone. At first it was pure torture and it sort of fragmented me, but now that I’m used to it in a way that I can deal with it, I have found that I don’t like being around others for too long.
I get uncomfortable for various reasons from boredom to trying to placate or figure out someone’s unpredictable behavior. Oh the joys of human interaction!
I do know that since I have been hurt many times in my life, I no longer trust. When you don’t trust, you can’t be around others. You become sort of paranoid. I knew others like this. That started avoiding others and got like a hermit. That’s a little like I’m becoming now. I moved to an area I had always wanted to live when I had money, but now that I have no money I was able to move here. Boy, if that’s not the story of my life….A dollar short and a day late, damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I can never get my life timed right. Anyone else ever feel that way? This picture shows why I now have zero tolerance for the narcissism of the typical alcoholic and all the trouble they cause for others.
Some do have their lives go along perfectly, their plans are never disturbed. This was never my case. I knew women that could plan when they wished to become pregnant and they did. I did the same, didn’t happen as I planned doing everything right. Same with other things in my life like working hard, saving, etc. Finally purchased a home and the mortgage crashed. I realized it really didn’t have anything to do with poor decision making but just bad luck. I actually used to feel that I was cursed and reading the Bible used to make me feel bad about myself in this regard. I felt that God didn’t bless me because I must be doing something wrong. This really turned me off religion. I since got into the actual Words of Christ so I get it. Life sucks, people suck and it’s just one of those things. All you can do is pray and never give up no matter how much you want to.
Truth is, you never know when something’s going to turn around. You never know if you can be a blessing for someone else and not even know it. So F the bad luck and BS of the world. Jesus overcame it all for us and the very least I will do is LIVE and walk in the Word to show that I appreciate it.
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